Being the change…

The past couple of days have been the most challenging days I’ve found for the past few months. I have taken unwell and have suspected Covid symptoms, and Jack has been taken into hospital again with his sickness for a 4th time. But… are we going to let this blip affect us? No we’re not.

I’ve decided now that I need to really focus on getting myself back to the happy place that I need to be. The person I’ve always been before, I never had a care in the world and I never let anyone’s thoughts or opinions bother me. Although for the past 3 years I have, Ive let everything bring me down from my looks to the way I am and their opinions always mattered but I AM ME, no one can change that. I shouldn’t care what anyone thinks of me, just because I have a condition that I can’t help and they don’t understand or I have short hair or the fact that I’m heavier/bigger than most. I should be the happiest I’ve ever been in life.. I have a beautiful 6 month almost 7 month old baby boy Jack, and I’m newly engaged to the love of my life Gary.

So like I mentioned over the past 3 years I’ve became such a different person, I’ve let little things that people say and do affect the way I live my life. People will always make digs about your appearance, about your personality.. just simply make digs about whatever you do in general. Should we let these people bring us down for being different to them? Should we let people affect our mental health with a couple of nasty words. Absolutely NOT, although I know it’s easier said than done but you are your own person. Because when you break it down and think life is far to short to worry about what you look like, how you act, if you are different. Yes you are different because if you were the same as everyone else then everyone would be boring, the same old.

Listen to me giving a motivational talk, I should really take a leaf out of my own book and take all these suggestions into consideration. From a young age I’ve always been “different” to other people, I was always a lot taller than the rest, and my behaviour was different to others. Little did we know that I had a behavioural condition called ADHD, I won’t get into details too much about that but I always deemed myself as being different to the rest. I always wanted to fit in, from making people laugh to having all the latest things that came out because I didn’t want to be tormented for not having these things. Because as people my age will know there is people out there who get a kick out of making people’s lives a living hell for them being less fortunate or DIFFERENT from them. I didn’t want to be one of those people who were scared to come into school with something that no one else had, and I certainly never wanted to be the person that stood up and said well I don’t want to be the same as the rest of you because you’d be left on your own. In school I was always the happy chatty person, I spoke to everyone and I made time for those that most people didn’t because it wasn’t in my nature to leave anyone out because I can see the best in everyone. I wasn’t popular in fact I was far from it, was I part of the bullies? Yes, and was I brought down with the bullies? Yes. But I finally found my own I finally made the realisation that maybe that wasn’t WHO I wanted to be, that wasn’t WHAT I wanted to be and it certainly wasn’t me. The people that I tried so hard to be like were the people bringing me down, making me into something.. making me into someone I never wanted to be. Although I can’t sit and say I didn’t have some of the best times of my life making so many memories at this point in my life. I just knew it was time for a change, a time for a new me.

This then came to me turning 16/17 and then 18 where I was becoming my own, where I would be out each week going to parties with my friends or getting dressed up to head into town. Being carefree, where I was allowed to be my own person, being wild and having so much fun. I even met the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I had finally made real memories that I would cherish for a life time, I let my hair down and I became me… myself.

By the time I was 19/20 my “wild side” became more mature, I started to recognise that a lot of people would have things to say about you if you do a certain thing or be a certain way because you are supposed to have matured, be an adult now. I’ve since let a lot of people’s words bring me down, a lot of things people have to say has really changed me, changed my outlook on life. I became more insecure in my looks, my weight and the way I was and I became more anxious and depressed about why I couldn’t have a tiny little figure or long beautiful hair. But I’ve began to realise over time none of these things matter? The only opinion that matters is my own and hiding who you really are is only going to bring you down even more. Open up and be yourself because only you can and I always stand by everything happens for a reason.. as life is far too short to care about what people think. I only wish I realised this along time ago and maybe I wouldn’t be as down and anxious as I am now. I’m a mum now, I need to give myself a good kick because I can be the change that I want to be❤️